April 6th, 2006

keyword-288

Boyfriend 5.0 vs. Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do to fix the system?

Sincerely,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0, MondayNightFootball 5.1, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" or "SleepGas" .WAV files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0!!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Vacations 4.0 and Lingerie 5.3 to make Husbands 1.0 run more efficiently.

Sincerely,
Tech Support
  • Current Music
    Semisonic - Singing in My Sleep ::
  • Tags
keyword-288

If Microsoft Built Cars and Techs at the Urinal...

If Microsoft Built Cars...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gal". Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?".

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS....

  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
  • You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  • The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  • The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car warning light.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
  • If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Techs At The Urinal 
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.  He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.  Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door and comments, "At Sun, we don't piss on our hands."

  • Current Music
    The Verve Pipe - Barely (If at All)
  • Tags